


The Echo of a Heartbeat

by Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)



Series: Pacific Rim (Love thy Brother remix) [1]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Community: pacificrimkink, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Trauma, Work In Progress, drifty-wifty stuff, eventual incest between siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-24 22:01:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yancy Becket survives, but Raleigh takes serious damage in the fight against Knifehead. Caught in his subconscious, he blames himself for Yancy's death, and only the person who loves him best has a hope in hell of bringing Raleigh back to reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the Pacific Rim Kink Meme AU, Yancy Lives!, Raleigh takes damage in the fight against Knifehead
> 
> Raleigh takes most of the damage when the conn-pod is breached and the strain put upon him causes him to fall into a coma. The events leading up to the Hong Kong Shatterdome--the five years spent working on The Wall and grieving over the brother he thinks is dead--are all in his head.  
> Meanwhile, Yancy tries desperately to reach him, using a jerry-rigged Pons system to tap into Raleigh's psyche. In his dreams Raleigh hears his brother calling him, but he thinks he's going crazy. Que Yancy finally breaking through and trying to convince Raleigh that he's really alive and that everything Raleigh's experienced hasn't happened and 'You need to wake up now, kid, I'm right here waiting for you. Come back to me, Rals.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the Pacific Rim Kink Meme AU, Yancy Lives!, Raleigh takes damage in the fight against Knifehead
> 
> Raleigh takes most of the damage when the conn-pod is breached and the strain put upon him causes him to fall into a coma. The events leading up to the Hong Kong Shatterdome--the five years spent working on The Wall and grieving over the brother he thinks is dead--are all in his head.  
> Meanwhile, Yancy tries desperately to reach him, using a jerry-rigged Pons system to tap into Raleigh's psyche. In his dreams Raleigh hears his brother calling him, but he thinks he's going crazy.
> 
> Also, if you want a soundtrack (Fanmix?) for this, here's a youtube playlist of pretty for the angsty!Beckets.  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXixgEldnvU&list=PLT6qCYB-MtIrluX6S5ZOtHFE_7EM4qRBK

**Raleigh Becket**

The days following Yancy's death all blur together, an unending gray corridor that echos with his brother's fading cries. Unnumbered days in the hospital, recovering from the exhaustion of piloting Gipsy back to shore, mind broken with Yancy's absence. At first Raleigh drifts in and out of the gray, summoned by the murmur of unintelligible voices. He doesn't try to listen. The only voice he wants to hear is the one he'll never hear again.

Sometimes snippets of familiarity reach his ears whether he wants them to or not. Pentecost comes first, his voice both firm and sad. Only a few words buzz through, here and there. _"... need you to understand something, Becket... the choice you made... protocol... Yancy...."_

Yancy's name brings back a shock of pain, tears him back to Gipsy's cockpit. To watching that _thing_ break through the visor shield and tear Yancy away from him, Yancy's pain screaming through his mind. He can barely remember killing Knifehead or the grueling slog back to shore. Everything pales next to the sharpness of feeling his other half ripped from him, of feeling Yancy's pain.

 _"...miss you, Becket boy..."_ Tendo's voice is kinder, and by instinct Raleigh latches on and tries to listen. Tendo's always been a beacon of stability. No matter how bad the fight was. _"... almost thought we'd lost you... can get through this, I know you can.... going to do it for Yancy...."_

No. No, he can't listen to that, can't bear to hear Tendo talk about the empty hole inside him. Raleigh pushes it away again. It's easier to lose himself in the gray.

***

**Yancy Becket**

They'd all heard what happened to anyone who tried to pilot a Jaeger alone. The first guy who'd tried it had his brain basically liquified. But as Yancy Becket watched Knifehead's snout tear through the visor shield of their conn-pod he didn't have to think twice. The Kaiju skewered the support that hooked Raleigh into the conn-pod, ripping the metal from the top of the pod with a shuddering screech. Yancy felt a hot surge of pain rebound back to him through the drift, and he lunged for his brother before Knifehead could withdraw, barely managing to rip the pod attachments away from Raleigh's suit before Gipsy stumbled backwards unsteadily and Knifehead's nose tore free, Raleigh's supports still impaled on it.

The violent lurch tore Raleigh from his grasp to crash back against the conn-pod doors, falling to the entry catwalk limply, but Yancy knew he didn't have time to think about that. Didn't have time to do anything but take control, pouring his fear and fury into the attack. In his rage he unloaded Gipsy's remaining plasma cannon into Knifehead's underbelly again and again until the Kaiju was well and truly dead.

The trek back to the coast was excruciating, like sloughing through molasses, each step harder than the last. Knifehead had taken Gipsy's com systems out, and while part of him prayed that the choppers would somehow come and find them, waiting was too big a risk with Raleigh's life on the line. Yancy fixed his gaze on the hint of dawn that he could see on the horizon, focused on each step, on pushing past the burn in his calves and thighs, the aching, ringing emptiness in his mind. He had to focus. Couldn't think about Raleigh lying limp behind him, couldn't think about that horrible pain. Couldn't allow himself to consider the possibility that his brother could already be....

When he wet his lips, Yancy tasted copper. Perhaps from sweat, or blood - or both. He could feel Gipsy slowly shutting down around him from the battle damage, his circuit suit burning hot against his left shoulder and bicep from the feedback of Knifehead tearing Gipsy's arm free. Yancy sobbed in relief as he caught a glimpse of the shore, forcing himself to keep planting one foot in front of the other despite the fact that his whole body was shuddering in the suit, exertion and exhaustion quickly stealing away the dregs of his reserves as he lumbered forward through the surf.

"Raleigh - hold on. Almost home, kiddo," Yancy managed to speak through gritted teeth, more to convince himself than anything else. "Almost..."

He felt his legs give out, felt Gipsy lurch under him, and barely had time to react. Kicking his boots free of Gipsy's stride rails, he pushed off against one enough to twist around, to catch his little brother as Gipsy toppled forward toward the ground. The conn-pod smashed into the sand in a scream of twisted metal and sparks, and everything around him went black.

***

Yancy became aware of the emptiness before anything else, the lack of Raleigh's mind against his own. It felt ragged and raw and far, far worse than leaving the drift through regular methods. The events of the fight came back in a rush, and he sat bolt upright, ears ringing with a hoarse yelling that he quickly realized was his own voice.

Yancy stopped with a gasp, though some kind of monitor beside him kept wailing its alarm. A tall man in scrubs half ran into the room, followed by a woman who yelled "Get Doctor Wright!" over her shoulder.

"It's okay...." The first nurse approached him slowly, voice low and cautious. "You've been unconscious. I can give you something for the pain - "

"No drugs!" Yancy ripped the IV free of his arm before tearing at the tube taped under his nose. He had to find - he had to know - "Where's my brother?"

"He's right here. It's okay." The nurse reached back to grab the curtain that hung behind him, pulling it back.

"Oh god..." Yancy pressed a fist to his mouth at the sudden rush of bile in his throat. There were so many tubes and wires that the man in the next bed barely looked like Raleigh. Half his brother's thick blond hair had been shaved off, displaying an ugly, u-shaped incision on his scalp. There was a tube shoved down his throat, and the hospital bed was surrounded by a dizzying amount of monitors and machines. He felt another wave of nausea wash over him. This couldn't be Raleigh, not his beautiful, playful brother, it couldn't - "Oh god, Raleigh - "

"Yancy Becket?"

Yancy turned to see a man in a lab coat making his way to his bedside. "My brother - "

"Is alive because of you. Now take a deep breath for me to the count of five. One, two - "

Realizing that his breath breath was quick and panicked, Yancy made an effort to listen to the man's words, drawing a deep breath and letting it out, then repeating. The man standing over him looked to be in his late forties, dirty blond hair peppered with hints of gray. Blue eyes looked down at him through wire rimmed glasses. "Good. I'm Doctor Nelson Wright. Marshall Pentecost brought me in to oversee you and your brother's recovery."

Yancy swallowed hard. "How bad is it?"

Doctor Wright's eyes flicked to Raleigh's bed, then back. His voice was low and warm, strangly soothing. "Could be better. Could be worse. Your brother suffered severe trauma in the fight. Six broken ribs and a punctured lung, a broken collarbone, massive internal bleeding, and we had to operate to reduce the swelling on his brain. You fared better. We've kept you in a drug assisted coma for ten days, but you'll likely make a full recovery, even with the trauma you put yourself through."

Yancy shook his head. "What about Raleigh?"

"It's too early to tell. He's stable, we've fixed everything we can... it's up to your brother as to whether or not he wants to come back." Doctor Wright regarded him for a long moment. "I can't give you permission to get up and walk yet, but if you let me re-attach your IV, I'll ask the nurses to bring a wheelchair so that you can sit beside him for a while."

Still staring at Raleigh, Yancy nodded. When he tried to move to the edge of the bed he found himself weaker than he expected, and tried to force down the rush of shame he felt at having to be lifted into the chair that was brought for him. It was worth it, to be near Raleigh.

"Hey, kiddo." Raleigh's skin was warm, but his hand felt limp as he lifted it with his. He glanced over to the door to make sure Doctor Wright and both the nurses had left before leaning closer, pressing a kiss to the back before resting it against his cheek. "Can you hear me, Raleigh? It's Yancy. I'm here, don't worry. I'm not gonna let you go, I promise. You rest as long as you need to and then you come back to me, okay?" Yancy forced himself to draw a deep breath, tried to keep himself calm. "I love you, kiddo. You know, that, right? Please come back to me. Please come back...."

 

*** 

**Raleigh Becket**

When Raleigh finally wakes up he half expects Marshall Pentecost to be there to dress him down. Instead there's only a manilla envelope beside the bed. 

He's been dismissed for breach of conduct. He's not surprised. He'd expected a dressing down, and part of him is relieved that his career with the PPDC has ended with so little fanfare. The empty hole inside him that was Yancy hurts worse than he'd ever imagined, and it's hard to even think about putting any effort into anything.

He doesn't deserve for the Marshall to dismiss him in person. Yancy's dead because of him.

He lets the doctors run a blur of tests without complaint. Part of him wishes he'd died in the conn-pod, died after Yancy was ripped away from him. But he knows that Yancy wouldn't want that, so he forces himself to keep going.

One night when he's asleep he dreams of Yancy. Yancy, curled close to him after the drift, sharing slow, yearning kisses with him as they try to adjust to being two people again. He tilts his head back willingly as Yancy kisses along his jaw, closing his eyes to the familiar and longed-for affection.

"I love you, kiddo," Yancy murmurs, but he sounds strangely sad. "You know, that, right? Please come back to me. Please come back...."

It's a dream, Raleigh realizes with a pang of sorrow, and forces himself to push it away. But even after he wakes, memories of Yancy linger. He can't pull his thoughts from his brother's smile, his voice. The way it felt to be close to him, to drift.... the loss is overwhelming.

One stupid, cocky decision, and he's lost everything.

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Yancy Becket**

_" 'Hey Meg! Communication implies sound. Communion doesn't.' Calvin sent her a brief image of walking silently through the woods, the two of them alone together, their feet almost noiseless on the rusty carpet of pine needles. They walked without speaking, without touching, and yet they were as close as it is possible for two human beings to be. They climbed up through the woods, coming out into the brilliant sunlight at the top of the hill. A few sumac trees showed their rusty candles. Mountain laurel, shiny, so dark a green the leaves seemed black in the fierceness of sunlight, pressed toward the woods."_

Yancy shifted in the chair that sat beside Raleigh's hospital bed, leaning forward to take a sip of water. He'd been reading for days, voice worn down to a low rumble, but it gave him something to do. It was _something_ he could do, read to Raleigh on the off chance he could hear and understand him. Provide to him an anchor, a guide back to the real world. He cleared his throat. _"Meg and Calvin had stretched out in the thick, late-summer grass, lying on their backs, gazing up into the shimmering blue of sky, a vault interrupted only by a few small clouds. And she had been as happy, she remembered, as it is possible to be, and as close to Calvin as she had ever been to anybody in her life, even Charles Wallace, so close that their separate bodies, daisies and buttercups joining rather than dividing them, seemed a single enjoyment of summer and sun and each other."_

"Sounds like appropriate reading material."

Yancy glanced up to find Tendo at the door, balancing tray holding two large cups of take-out coffee and a paper bag in one hand, pulling the door shut behind him with the other. Yancy marked the book and stood to meet him. "Madeleine L'Engle. Raleigh liked her books when we were kids, I figured it would make for good light reading. Not quite as light as I expected, but..." He shrugged, taking the coffee Tendo offered. "Thanks."

"Sandwich is for you, too," Tendo said, pulling a plastic wrapped sub out of the bag and setting it down on the table. "Figured you're probably sick of hospital food."

"Mmmm." Yancy took a long swallow of the coffee, enjoying the warmth and bitterness of the drink. "Could be worse. Thanks for stopping by."

"Wish I could get over more often." Tendo took a sip of his coffee again, lips tightening as he looked down at Raleigh. "How is he?"

"I don't know. Still waiting on results from the last EEG they did." Yancy wrapped his hands around the paper cup, letting the heat sink into his skin and wishing it could reassure him.

"You worried?"

"It's been four weeks. Statistics aren't good, Tendo."

Tendo shook his head. "Don't think like that. Your brother's a fighter, just like you. He's not going to give up so easily."

"Of course Raleigh won't give up." The idea's almost offensive. "And I won't either."

"I know." Tendo smiled, patting his shoulder. "You always take care of him. And try to take care of yourself, all right? Have a good meal. Come home once and awhile, get some rest. I worry about you."

Yancy shrugged. "I haven't exactly been released from here. I mean, doc says I could be, but Pentecost told them to keep me around." Conveniently. Yancy wasn't sure if it was out of an actual concern for his health, or just the Marshall knowing he wouldn't leave Raleigh's side anyway.

Tendo let out a long breath, nodding slowly. "Well, take care of yourself anyway. Can't help him if you run yourself into the ground."

And I would, if it would help. Yancy leaves the words unsaid. "Just can't stop thinking about all the what if's."

A knock came at the door, which was pushed open by Doctor Wright, holding a file under one arm. He gave a nod to Tendo. "Sorry to interrupt. Yancy? Do you have a moment?"

"Go ahead, I should call in anyway." Tendo reached out to ruffle Raleigh's hair, which was slowly growing back short and spiky over the incision. "Miss having you around, Becket-boy. Things aren't the same without you. You should think about coming back."

Yancy tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. "Thanks, Tendo. See you later."

Doctor Wright pushed the door closed after Tendo before crossing the room, setting the folder down on the bed table. "I wanted to talk to you about your brother's EEG results."

Yancy steeled his nerves. "It's not good, is it?"

The doctor drew a slow breath. "Yes, and no... Raleigh's still in a comatose, almost completely unresponsive state. No physical response to physical stimuli or pain. I think there's some response to audio stimuli, but it's difficult to tell, his EEG is very... unusual."

Yancy tried to will his heartbeat to calm. "Unusual how?"

"He’s experiencing a high level of brain activity consistent with REM sleep.”

“So he’s dreaming.”

“Possibly, but that’s not the problem.” Doctor Wright paused for a moment, as if choosing his words. “Normally REM brain activity is a good sign in coma patients, it’s an indication of a minimally conscious state rather than a, well, completely vegetative one. But even minimally conscious patients still go through regular sleep cycles. The slow wave delta sleep that’s essential to tissue repair and regeneration isn’t happening. Raleigh's experiencing REM sleep almost a hundred percent of the time.”

“A dream that never ends,” Yancy murmured, staring down at his brother and feeling a chill run through his body.

“Or a drift that never does." Doctor Wright folded his arms across his chest, turning to hold Yancy's gaze seriously. "Mr. Becket... how much truth is there to the rumors about what happens between Jaeger pilots?"

Yancy felt himself bristle immediately at the words, and he fought not to respond sharply. "And what rumors would those be?"

The doctor hesitated for a moment. "That the drift makes you... close. You become more alike the longer you drift, you start to pick up each other's mannerisms, style of dress...."

A hard laugh escaped Yancy's lips before he could stop it. "Things like that are childs play compared to how it really is. It's nothing like you can even imagine until you've experienced it. Raleigh's part of me, when we drift we think as one person. Every memory I have, every memory he has - "

"Then would you be willing to drift with him now?"

Doctor Wright's words stopped him mid sentence, and he suddenly wondered if the man wasn't as clueless about drifting as he seemed. Yancy glanced down to Raleigh, still and pale in the bed. The tube down his throat had been removed, thank god, replaced with a cannula taped under his nose. Yancy had hoped that it was a good sign, that breathing on his own meant that Raleigh would wake up. But nothing had changed. He glanced back to the doctor. "Do you think it would help?"

"One theory about REM sleep is that the mind re-lives things that it's experienced, and the subconscious provides imagery to try and interpret it. Some schools of research believe that people are comatose remain so because their minds forget how to connect to the real world." He looked up at Yancy, blue eyes serious through wire-rimmed glasses. "There's no telling what your brother's subconscious is creating for him right now. It might not be safe for you to drift, it might not even be possible. But if you know his mind as well as you say you do... maybe you can help him regain that connection."

"Of course I'll do it," Yancy replied, voice hoarse for a completely different reason than reading.

***

**Raleigh Becket**

Being released from the hospital leaves Raleigh in an even bleaker place than before. He's never planned for anything outside of being a Jaeger pilot, never gone to college. Never learned anything but fighting, piloting... drifting.

He's never planned on being without Yancy.

Tendo finds him late one afternoon in Anchorage, sitting alone in a shitty, seedy bar. The whiskey is vile but strong and cheap, and Raleigh's meager pension doesn't go far.

Tendo takes the stool beside him, ordering a scotch, and for a long time he just sits in silence, nursing his drink. "Miss having you around, Becket," he says finally. "Things aren't the same without you. You should think about coming back."

"There's nothing left for me at the Dome," Raleigh answers, barely managing not to choke on the words. "Thanks, though."

Tendo nods, finishing his drink. Then he pulls a plastic wrapped sub out of the bag and sets it down on the bar. "Try to take care of yourself, all right? Have a good meal. Get some rest. I worry about you."

I don't deserve your worry, Raleigh wants to say. He's starving, so he takes the sandwich anyway, tucking it into the large inside pocket of his jacket before standing. "Thanks."

On his way out of the bar a poster catches Raleigh's eye, and he pauses to look. 

_Tradesmen needed for constriction of the Wall of Life._  
 _No training necessary._  
 _Attractive ration and benefits package._  
 _Accommodations provided._

Raleigh swallows down a surge of disgust at the realization that the project is going ahead. Yancy had hated the idea, that the world's governments would waste those kinds of resources on something to hide behind, to choose to cower from the Kaiju like rodents. He rips the flyer off the wall and leaves the bar before anyone can say anything.

Tendo's sandwich is delicious, but not nearly filling enough, not when he feels like he's been hungry since he woke up in the hospital. Raleigh perches on a bench by the side of the road and eats, hunkered down into his jacket against the chill of the approaching night. Even after he finishes he stays seated, watching the traffic drive by and letting his mind drift without thinking of anything at all.

"Raleigh?"

It takes him a moment to realize that someone's called his name. Raleigh rises slowly, standing, looking around for the source. All he sees are the drab gray of the buildings, the dust of the street....

"Raleigh?" The call comes again, from a tall figure hidden in the shadow of the storefronts that line the road. He's half a block away, but when Raleigh sees him the man begins to hurry down the block towards him.

Raleigh screws his eyes shut and then rubs a fist across them, trying to clear his vision. The man's features are blurred in the low light. "Do I know you?"

"It's me...." The man steps out of the lieu of the building, the golden light of the setting sun throwing his features into sharp relief. "It's Yancy. Kiddo, it's me."

"Yancy." For a moment Raleigh can't breathe, can't do anything but stand frozen as his brother steps close, broad hands circling Raleigh's biceps, urging him closer. "Yancy...."

"Yeah." His brother's voice breaks, and he presses close, stroking one hand up into Raleigh's hair as he leans in to rest his forehead against Raleigh's. "I've been looking everywhere for you. God, I was so worried...."

Raleigh feels like he can't move, can't understand what he's hearing. Yancy's touch feels warm on his skin, warm and safe and _real_ , and when he finally manages to suck in a shuddering breath it catches in a sob. "Yancy!"

"Shhh..." Yancy's arms wrap around him, pulling him against him, tight and secure. "I'm here. I've got you, love. I'm gonna bring you home - "

No. No, this can't be right. Panic bubbles up inside him. "You're dead!" The words burst from his throat, and Raleigh shoves at the man in front of him. "You're not real! My brother is dead, he's dead, and nothing will bring him back!"

The man's features swim, changing - how could he ever thought that was Yancy? - and he stares back at Raleigh. "... dead? Raleigh, I'm not - "

"How dare you pretend to be him! How dare you lie to me, how dare you - " Raleigh's yelling now, words fast and shrill and breathless, and as the man steps forward Raleigh shoves him back violently, not caring when the man stumbles and falls. "Get out of here! Fucking leave me alone!"

There's no response, and Raleigh realizes the man has vanished. The street is completely empty, even from cars. He chokes back a sob, turning, running until his lungs ache and his muscles burn. There's another bar, though, another shitty little hole in the wall where he can forget, and that's where Raleigh retreats to, letting the alcohol wipe away what he thought he'd seen.

***

**Yancy Becket**

"Yancy. Yancy, can you hear me? Becket, respond!" Tendo. Familiar. Thank god.

"Vitals stabilizing," a second voice, and it took Yancy a moment to place it as the doctor. He'd tried to Drift. What the hell had happened...?

"Let's get these off him." He heard Tendo's voice again, felt him lean over the hospital bed, removing the pons from his forehead.

"Shit..."

"Good, he's coming around. Yancy?"

It took a moment for Yancy to pull his thoughts back together, to anchor himself in reality. He forced himself to focus on the familiarity of Tendo's voice, sucking slow breaths, shaking his head to clear his vision. "I'm here," he managed, though his mind couldn't quite process what he'd seen. "Oh fuck. Give me a moment."

"Don't worry about talking until you're ready. Have a sip of water." Doctor Wright pressed the glass into his hand, and Yancy forced himself to take a long drink.

"It's nothing like drifting," he managed, shaking his head and trying to remember. "I mean, it is, but it's... it's like chasing R.A.B.I.T.s, but it's not like a memory. It took me ages to even find him, like he doesn't even know where he is, and he...." Yancy stopped, a wave of dread washing over him. "Oh god. He thinks I'm dead."

Tendo takes an unconscious step back towards the control panel. "He thinks you're... dead?"

"He didn't even believe I was me, he... did we even stabilize?"

"Briefly," Tendo replied, looking more worried. "You were in perfect synch. Then you went completely off the charts, I've never seen anything like it. I had to bring you out of it."

"Shit." Yancy stared at the glass in his hands, mind replaying what he'd seen, forcing himself to go over it again in detail. Raleigh, alone in that strange cityscape that warped and twisted and changed. The way he'd looked at him, the way he'd sobbed his name....

"I'm sorry, Yancy. I thought it might help."

Yancy looked up to Doctor Wright, still standing on other side of the bed next to the equipment they'd hooked up to Yancy to monitor him during the drift. "No. No, it will help. Let me try again."

"Again?" Tendo's eyebrows almost skyrocketed off his forehead. "Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any idea what could happen to your brain under that much stress?"

"I can do it," Yancy argued. "I just came on too strong. It'll be okay this time, I can figure it out."

"You can't figure it out if your brain hemorrhages."

"Tendo, I have to - "

"Not today," Doctor Wright said softly, reaching out to lay a hand on Yancy's shoulder. "Raleigh's stable. We'll try again once you've had a chance to rest. He needs you in top shape. All right?"

Every inch of Yancy wanted to argue, wanted to scream. His brother had been right there! But common sense was beginning to take over. Yancy closed his eyes for a moment, giving a nod. "Okay. All right, another day."

***

 

**Raleigh Becket**

Eventually Raleigh gives in and goes to work on the Anti-Kaiju wall. He hates himself for it, but there's few other legal options left for a washed up Jaeger pilot. As much as he hates everything that it stands for, as time goes on he finds it the perfect kind of monotonous. Enough busy work to keep his mind focused without having to think too much. He's always hungry, but he volunteers for shifts at the top of the wall whenever they're available, which means danger pay, which means more food. The days all blur together, which he supposes must be dangerous, but part of him thinks it might not be so bad to fall.

At night he still dreams of Yancy. Yancy curled beside him, sharing his pillow, nestling his face into the crook of Raleigh's neck. One arm wraps around him protectively, fingers sliding up into his hair, warm and smooth.

 _"I miss you, kiddo. Miss you so bad."_ Yancy sounds as broken as Raleigh feels, his brother's voice rough and hollow. _"I'm not going to leave you, I promise. I'll be right here no matter what."_

 _But you did_ , Raleigh wants to scream, and his heart constricts so painfully in his chest that it feels like it's ripped in two. _You left me and I felt it, I felt you die and I have to live with knowing that it's my fault - !_

He jerks from sleep with a gasp, cheeks wet with tears, choking on sobs as he tries to catch his breath. Wrapping his arms around his knees, he curls up small and alone and lets himself cry until he falls asleep again.

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Raleigh Becket**

Raleigh had hoped that working on the wall would help numb his grief, and sometimes it does. Sometimes he can focus on the careful exactness of welding without thinking about repairing Gipsy, without thinking about the way her metal shell ripped apart on the day that Yancy died.

But Yancy's never far from his mind.

Sometimes he still dreams of him, of Yancy's hand cupping his face gently as he presses soft kisses to his forehead, eyelids, nose. Sometimes he dreams about laying together in bed, head resting on Yancy's shoulder as he reads aloud. Raleigh hasn't read the book since childhood, and it surprises him that he can still remember pieces of it so vividly. A story about a girl trying to save her younger brother, who has to travel inside him using telepathy to fix the illness threatening his life. It's too vivid a reminder of the drift, and Raleigh wakes with an ache in his heart and Yancy's name on his lips.

He tries not to read the papers. News of the war, of the fights against the Kaiju are too vivid a reminder of what he's lost. Still, it's hard to completely escape it. He still hears the other men talk, still sees reports on the tiny televisions in the camp mess hall.

The Kaiju are getting bigger, more vicious, more dangerous. One by one the Jaegers that he knows and fought beside are falling, the great machines torn to pieces and their pilots killed.

Slowly but surely, the Kaiju are winning.

Raleigh eats some kind of tasteless wheat and vegetable stew as he watches on the TV screen. Yet another Jaeger is being transported to the graveyard. _If Yancy and I were still fighting -_ the thought crosses his mind with a flash of anger, but it's quickly overcome by sorrow. _We were fighting. We fell because of me. He's dead because of me, my brother -_

"Look how the mighty have fallen."

Raleigh turns in his seat to look at the man who's spoken, a grizzled laborer whose dirt-stained clothes have seen better days. He's looking up at the TV with a sneer on his face, distaste obvious in his expression. That brings Raleigh's anger back. "Hey, have some respect. Those pilots are dying to keep you safe."

"So are we," the man replies with a snort. "We're building this wall, and we don't get to be no fancy goddamn rock stars hiding in giant robots while we do it. Jaeger pilots are just a bunch of cowards inside those fancy expensive suits."

Raleigh's on his feet in a second, nose to nose with the man. "You take that back."

"Take what back?"

"What you said. Right now. Pilots aren't fucking cowards."

"No?" The man draws back to look at him, eyes narrowing a little. "Hey. You look familiar."

Part of Raleigh doesn't care if he's recognized. "Take it back."

"I know you. You're that washed up, has-been pilot that killed his own brother two years ago."

Raleigh feels his hands clench into fists. Rage burns hot behind his eyes and clouds his vision red. "You fucking take that back!"

"Aww. Worthless little Jaeger pilot." The man's voice takes on a scoffing, sing-song tone. His lips curl up into a sneer, and he raises his fists. "You wanna fight me, pilot? I'll kick your ass and take your ration cards as payment for how worthless you are. That's why the PPDC abandoned you. You're nothing without your brother, are you? How did you ever expect to protect people? You couldn't even save your own brother!"

"Fucking leave him alone!" A blur of white rushes by him, throwing a punch connects with the man's jaw and sends him staggering back. The man in white keeps going, shoving Raleigh's would-be assailant back down against a table. Blue eyes connect with Raleigh's long enough to utter a single command. "Get out of here. I've got this." Then he moves to duck a punch, trying to dance out of the man's range as he fights back.

Raleigh hesitates for a moment, then does as he's asked, abandoning the remains of his meal and running from the mess hall. They've been housed in an abandoned warehouse for the winter, army tents pitched on the assembly line floor to give some semblance of privacy, but Raleigh's so upset that he can hardly see straight. He ends up in some featureless gray hallway. The door at the end is locked, so Raleigh just slides to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in his arms, trying to breathe through the overwhelming onslaught of rage and grief and shame. Maybe that asshole had been right. He can't even fight his own goddamn fights anymore.

For a long moment he's blessedly alone with his grief. Then he becomes aware of the soft sound of footfall coming towards him. He gets to his feet and quickly rubs his eyes on the sleeve of his worn sweater, half expecting to see the douchebag from the mess hall again.

The man in white rounds the corner instead, looking a little tousled, but none the worse for wear. The white is a doctor's coat, Raleigh realizes. The man looks strangely familiar, and he tries to search his memory for the face. "Hey. Thanks. Do I know you from somewhere?"

"The PPDC," the man says carefully, stopping a few feet away from him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Raleigh answers automatically. "I've dealt with worse assholes than that. I didn't need help, you know."

"I know," the doctor replies quickly, holding his hands up. "I know. I just... I came to see if everything else was alright with you."

"Alright with me?" The words explode from Raleigh's mouth before he can stop himself. "No, everything is not fucking alright with me! We killed four - five goddamn Kaiju, my brother fucking died in the service and this is what I'm left with? I have nothing! How the hell can you expect me to be okay?"

Raleigh doesn't expect the obvious guilt and sorrow that he sees in the other man's eyes. His eyes drop to the floor, voice low, cracking on his words. "I'm sorry I - I'm sorry we failed you. What can I do to make it right?"

Raleigh chokes back a harsh laugh that sounds more like a sob. "Can you give me my brother back? Nothing can make it right. I've lost everything."

This seems to make the doctor more upset. He takes a step forward, one hand reaching for Raleigh, then pulls it back. "There's nothing I can do?"

Raleigh lets himself lean back against the wall, closing his eyes with a sigh. Part of him just wants to be left alone to his misery, but the man seems so intent.... "Can you get me more rations?"

"Rations?"

"Yeah. I'm fucking starving."

The man hesitates. "I can if you come back with me."

Raleigh snorts. "Back to where, the Shatterdome? I don't belong there anymore. Look, Doctor..." he glances down at the man's name tag, squinting to make out the small print. "Doctor Wright. Thanks for the effort. You can go tell Pentecost that I'm doing a-okay. You can't help me."

For a moment Wright doesn't respond, just watches him through sad eyes. Then he pulls a wallet out of his back pocket pulling out a handful of bills and holding them out. "Here."

"I don't want your money."

"Look, just take it, okay?" Wright steps forward to grab Raleigh's hand, pressing the bills to his palm. "This is personal for me, I asked for your case. My brother was on that fishing boat you rescued when you killed your last Kaiju. I owe you."

_When Yancy died_. Raleigh's throat tightens, and he manages to nod, shoving the bills in his pocket.

"I'll come back again," the doctor says, taking a step back. "So think about things, okay? I want to help you. Just tell me how."

"Thanks," Raleigh manages, and watches the man walk away.

***

 

**Yancy Becket**

Yancy could feel tears on his face when he tuned back into the real world. "I'm done. Disengage."

Tendo's familiar reply helped him focus. "Disengaging Neural Handshake."

"Vitals steady for both of you." Doctor Wright sounded pleased. "Good work, Mr. Becket."

Yancy let out a long, shuddering breath, trying to keep himself from becoming completely overwhelmed by everything he'd experienced. He'd insisted on trying the drift from Raleigh's bed, hoping the physical contact would somehow help, but this time was almost worse. "I wish I could believe that."

The doctor turned back to him. "What happened?"

For a long moment Yancy didn't reply, playing back the images from his brother's mind. The patchwork edifice of the anti-kaiju wall, the news reports filled with broken Jaeger and dead pilots. The twisting corridors and dusty rooms of Raleigh's mind, dull and grey and drab. The things that he'd overheard that worker say to Raleigh, the hurt he'd seen, the hurt he'd felt his brother experience. He lifted his hands to his face wearily, rubbing the spots where the pons had been on his head.

"It's bad," he said finally, pressing his fingertips against his eyes. A dull ache throbbed behind his temples, but it wasn't important now. "The world he's living in...." It was hard to talk about it with Raleigh's despair still so vivid in his mind. He let his gaze move over Raleigh's unconscious form beside him, feeling just as helpless as he had in the drift. "He feels abandoned, he feels like he couldn't save me, he...."

"Did you make contact?" Doctor Wright pressed, and Yancy sighed.

"Yeah. Kind of. He thinks I'm you." 

"Me. He identified you as me?"

"Well I definitely wasn't me. He called me Doctor Wright."

"Then he still has some awareness of the real world. He's picking things up. It's a good sign."

The idea should have relieved Yancy. Instead he felt a spike of anger. "Then why the hell does he still think that I'm dead? I haven't left his side since I woke up and the person he's 'picked up on' is you?"

"It could be the drift." Tendo turned from the cart that they'd been using to store the bridging equipment on, perching on the side of Yancy's empty bed. "He was violently ripped out of the drift during the attack. That pain is all his mind remembers. You're syncing, but it's like the drift is only going one way. You can see into his mind but he can barely see into yours. Maybe his injury is preventing you from connecting."

Brain damage. The thought ran through Yancy in a cold chill, and he tried to push it away. He couldn't consider it. Yancy moved a hand down to slip into his brothers, twining their fingers together and squeezing gently. Raleigh had to be okay.

"It could just be psychological," Doctor Wright pointed out, much to Yancy's relief. "His subconscious could just be protecting itself after the trauma it experienced." He glanced to Yancy. "Is there anything else you remember?"

Yancy let out a long breath, trying to think back through everything he'd experienced. "He's hungry."

"Hungry." Doctor Wright's eyebrows knit together contemplatively. "Hm."

"Hm?"

"I suppose we could move from intravenous to parenteral nutrition, it's been long enough since the event that his gi tract should be fully healed. Give a small increase in fat and carbs. I'll arrange it. Anything else?"

Yancy looked down at Raleigh's hand in his, his brother's fingers limp and unresponsive to the clasp. "I want to try again."

"We'll definitely keep trying. I'll order another EEG on both of them to make sure they're still able to handle the drift." Doctor Wright glanced to Tendo. "When are you next free?"

Tendo sighed and shook his head. "Never, really. We're on high alert until the next event happens. But Pentecost wants me here. Might just have to end a session early and run out if there's breech activity."

"Alright. Day after tomorrow, then. Same time." Doctor Wright gave Yancy a smile that seemed slightly sad. "We'll leave you to get some rest."

Alone again, Yancy shifted carefully on the narrow space at the edge of the bed to curl around his brother, nestling his face against Raleigh's hair and wrapping an arm around him. He could still feel a whisper of connection when he was close to him, the barest shade of the drift. He hated that he'd lied to Raleigh in the drift, let him believe that he was the doctor. But what other choice did he have when trying to tell him the truth just made Raleigh lash out and reject the drift?

"I don't know how to help you," he murmured, nestling his face against Raleigh's hair. "How do I convince you that your entire world is a lie? I love you, Rals, I need you to come back to me. I'm here for you, just tell me how to get through to you. You gotta help me out."

As expected, there was no response, and when Yancy fell asleep curled against him all he received were troubled dreams.

~~~


	4. Chapter 4

**Raleigh Becket**

Raleigh's dreams get worse. No matter what he tries - working himself to exhaustion, drinking until he passes out, pills, jerking off - he still hears Yancy in his dreams. Sometimes his efforts make it worse.

Yancy, his voice sad and pleading, begging. " _I love you, Rals, I need you to come back to me. I need you to help me. I need you._ "

"I need you," Raleigh echoes in the darkness of another run down motel room, hugging the crumpled bundle of thin wool blanket to his chest. "I'm so lost without you, Yance. I'm so lost..."

He's not quite sure how he manages to find his way to Doctor Wright's office, but he's not surprised to find himself there. The doctor, however, seems almost dumbfounded to see him. "Raleigh!"

Raleigh stands awkwardly in the doorway. "Sorry, I... I guess I don't really have an appointment, I just - "

"No, no no no, it's fine, it's - come in, please. Sit down. Um." The doctor's practically falling over himself as he rounds the desk to reach him, taking his arm to urge him inside. He stares at the office for a moment, looking strangely lost, then makes a vague motion towards the very comfortable looking couch. "Take the couch or the chair or the... wherever's comfortable."

Raleigh perches on the edge of the couch. It seems appropriate, after all. "If this is a bad time - "

"No. You can come see me whenever you want." The doctor pulls the armchair out, turning it so he can sit facing Raleigh. "I mean that. I'll make time for you."

It's still a little strange to Raleigh that the doctor seems so earnest, but he can't detect any guile in the man's words, and it relaxes him a little. "So... I guess you're my shrink, then."

The doctor lets out a long breath and nods slowly. "Did you think about what I said last time? About how I can help you?"

"I don't know." Raleigh lets his elbows rest on his knees and leans forward to bury his head in his hands. It hurts, it's hard to think, hard to try and put all these feelings into words. "I'm exhausted and I'm always fucking hungry. And I...I feel like I'm going crazy and there's no-one I can talk to. I can't go back to the Shatterdome. I don't belong on the wall, either. I don't belong anywhere."

"You can always come here," the doctor murmurs, and Raleigh looks up into the same sorrow and worry he'd seen before. "You can talk to me about anything you want, Raleigh."

Raleigh stares down at the worn carpet. "You're not going to lock me up or cut off my pension or anything if you think I'm crazy, are you?" The only thing worse than living with this sorrow is the thought of a padded white room where he can't do anything to take his mind off of Yancy.

"No, I promise." The doctor leans forward a little, voice soft. "Tell me what's bothering you."

Suddenly it's all Raleigh can do to choke back tears as it all comes spilling out. "I don't know how much longer I can do this. I hear him in my dreams and it hurts so bad, I - part of me is missing and I'll never get that back and I don't know how to cope - !"

He's surprised when the doctor moves to perch beside him on the couch, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and drawing him close. The only thing strange about it is how good it feels, and before Raleigh knows it he's buried his face in the shoulder of Doctor Wright's white jacket and is sobbing brokenly as the man strokes his hair. It's been so long since someone's touched him, since he's let himself fall, and he realizes suddenly that he's never really been given the time to grieve. Never known if there was a service for his brother, a memorial, hell, if his body was even recovered.

The doctor's voice is a low, soothing murmur, his embrace tight and somehow familiar. It feels too good. Raleigh forces himself to break away, scrubbing the back of one wrist across his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't ever be sorry for anything," the doctor replies, handing him a box of tissues and waiting patiently while Raleigh blows his nose. "How have you been trying to cope?"

Raleigh shakes his head. "Doesn't matter. Whatever I do, I still dream about him."

The doctor stiffens at his words, and his next words are careful. "Can you - would you like to tell me about it?"

Raleigh blows his nose again, suddenly feeling very weary. "I don't know. I just... sometimes I can still feel him with me, like I could when we were in the drift. He tells me he needs me, he tells me to come back to him...."

"Maybe you should listen to him."

Raleigh chokes back a laugh that feels more like a sob. "And do what, die? God knows I want to sometimes."

"No. God no. He wouldn't want that, Raleigh."

"I know." Raleigh stares down at the crumpled kleenex in his hands. "Why else do you think I'm still alive?"

The doctor sighs again, soft and sad, reaching out to touch his forearm gently. "What do you think your brother would want for you?"

And that's the root of the problem, isn't it? "He..." Raleigh swallows hard. "He'd want me to keep helping people. He'd want me to be... happy. But I don't deserve it."

"Of course you do. You've fought so hard, Raleigh, you - "

"It's my fault he's dead!" The words tumble from Raleigh's mouth before he can stop them, everything he's wanted to say and had no one to say it to. "I was the cocky one, I made the decision to go after the boat. I disobeyed orders and if I hadn't Yancy would still be alive. I have to live with that for the rest of my life!"

"Oh god." The words escape the doctor's mouth in a soft, horrified moan. He reaches towards Raleigh again, but Raleigh jerks away.

"Please don't - don't pity me. I already hate myself enough." Raleigh stuffs the crumpled tissue in his pocket and runs his hands over his face wearily. "Maybe this was a dumb idea."

"I hope not." The doctor isn't at all what Raleigh had ever thought a shrink would be like. For some strange reason, though, he seems like he actually gives a fuck, and maybe that's enough for Raleigh to trust him.

He looks at the doctor through his fingers. "I know all the advice. I know I need to try and let go and stop blaming myself and move on. I just... I don't think I can do it."

"So as long as you're reminded of Yancy, you'll be miserable?"

It's the first time he's heard anyone say his brother's name in years, and Raleigh's breath catches in his throat. "I don't know. I feel empty inside without him, even now. I don't think I'll ever feel anything else."

"Raleigh...." the doctor starts slowly, then his breath catches, and he moves, dropping to his knees beside Raleigh's couch and taking one hand in both of his in sudden familiarity. It feels too good to for Raleigh to pull away.

"Please listen to me for a moment," the doctor says urgently, fingers tightening on his. "Please just let me say this to you. Yancy forgives you, he doesn't blame you for what happened. He would never blame you for it. Standing next to you and piloting with you was the most beautiful thing in his life, and he's so proud of what a good man you are. He was so proud to be the one to drift with you and fight with you." His voice breaks on the words, but he pushes on. "Please know that Yancy would never, ever want this for you. He wouldn't want you to live with all this self loathing and all this pain. Yancy will always, always be with you in your heart and your memories anytime you need him. I promise you that. Any time you need him. You just need to accept that he's here for you. You just have to look for him. He loves you more than anything, Raleigh. Please remember that. Please believe me."

Part of him wants to pull away in anger, to lash out at this man for speaking for Yancy, for saying those things when he can't possibly know whether or not they're true. But the man on his knees in front of him is near tears, his gaze so earnest and vulnerable as he pleads with him that Raleigh can't bring himself to do it. He swallows down the sorrow that knots in his throat, closing his eyes for a moment to force back the tears that prick at them. "I wish I could believe that," he manages finally, coughing to try and clear the hoarseness from his voice. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, doctor, but my brother's dead. Neither you nor I know what he'd want or how he'd feel - "

"But what if he's not? Raleigh, listen to me. What do you actually remember about that fight? Really remember?"

It's easier to be angry than to let the doctor's words hurt him, and Raleigh yanks his hand from the man's grasp. "Don't ask me to relive my brother's death!"

"I'm not! Raleigh, please listen to me. You're sick. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Look at me, please. Don't you recognize me? Come on, kiddo. We're in the drift right now, together, like we've been so many times before. Can't you feel it? Nothing around you is real except for me!"

Raleigh jerks back, almost falling over the arm of the couch as he tries to get to his feet. "Stop! I don't fucking know what you're playing at - "

"I'm not playing at anything!" The man gets to his feet as well, though he keeps his distance, hands held up as if to soothe him. "I'm just telling you the truth."

Raleigh suddenly finds that the doctor looks strange, that can't quite make out his features, and he presses his palms to his eyes to try and rub away the shock of fear it sends through him. "Stop. Please stop."

"I can't, Rals. I need to get you out of here. I need you to remember - god, why don't you remember me? You're part of me, you know everything about me. You know know what happened between us after our first real fight with Yamarashi in LA, how hollow we felt without the drift - "

"Stop," Raleigh tries again, choking on his words, not moving his hands. He can't face this, can't listen to this, but despite his words the man continues.

"God, please remember - look at me, Raleigh, you know me! I kissed you then because it was the only way for us to feel whole again. Because you wanted it as much as I did, because when in the drift we knew we could never be that close to anyone else. I kissed you and I promised I'd never leave you. How could anyone know that but me!"

Every word hurts more, builds until it explodes from his lips. "You're not Yancy!" He lunges forward, body trembling from panic and adrenaline both, and shoves the man away from him. "Get out of my head! GET OUT!"

Silence.

Raleigh's knees give out as he staggers back and crumples to the floor, and he pulls them to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as pain envelops him.

He's alone again.

***

 

**Yancy Becket**

"BP going down. 120 over 80. Heart rate stabilizing."

"Yancy? Hey buddy, can you hear me?" Tendo sounded worried, and Yancy tried to break through the darkness to respond. But he couldn't feel anything, couldn't hear his voice - "

"Come on, Mr. Becket. Come back." A sudden bright light maked Yancy wince and squint but his vision started to return as the man continued talking. The real Doctor Wright. "Pupils dilating normally. He's coming back."

Yancy brought a hand to his face, smearing something slick across his cheek. Blood, he realized, his nose was bleeding, but he couldn't think of what to do about it, overwhelmed by the pounding in his skull and the shivery weakness of his limbs. Somehow he'd ended up on the floor, rolled sideways, head cushioned on one arm. The electrodes used to monitor him were still stuck to his skin, but the Pons were gone. He couldn't feel Raleigh's mind anymore.

He was half aware of the room bustling around him, of Doctor Wright and one of the male nurses hauling him up and into his own hospital bed. "Yancy, I'm giving you an anticonvulsant. It should help you settle down." Yancy didn't need to ask from what. He'd felt Raleigh's panic, his pain. The way he'd lashed out. It still hurt.

It took him half an hour to before he could talk, to stop shivering and manage more than a one word response to Doctor Wright's questions. The nurses, thankfully, had stopped fussing and left shortly after administering whatever drugs the doctor had ordered and cleaning up his nose. Tendo had pulled the blanket off the end of his bed to wrap around his shoulders and shoved a glass of water in his hands, and slowly Yancy began to feel real again.

"I'm sorry," he managed to say, finally. He glanced over to Raleigh, still lying silent and unresponsive in the other bed. "I pushed too hard. I felt like we were so close, I - thought I could make him remember - "

"Hey, hey. Just relax, okay?" Tendo's words had real worry in them, and Yancy met his friend's worried gaze.

"It was that bad, hey?"

"You went out of alignment and started seizing. We had to disconnect you." Doctor Wright had been making notes on his chart, frowning, and put it back in the end of the bed. "What happened?"

Yancy closed his eyes, giving his head a little shake as he thought back. "He thinks I'm his psychiatrist now. He came to me for help and I - "

Doctor Wright's eyebrows rose. "He came to you."

"Yeah. As soon as I was in Raleigh was right there, I didn't have to look for him this time. But he still thought I was you."

"Doesn't matter." The doctor stepped forward, suddenly smiling, grasping Yancy's forearm. "He felt you enter the drift. He came to you. He's recognizing you."

Yancy couldn't reply, couldn't bring himself to say how much this hurt, how Raleigh's pain cut him to the core with every drift, how his heart broke a little more each time he tried and failed. "What if I can't do this? I mean, legitimately can't? It's been almost two months since the event and nothing I do is getting through to him! What if there's too much - too much damage, too much trauma...."

The doctor glanced to Tendo for a moment, then focused on Yancy. "Listen. It's not just all about science. Sometimes things happen that can't be explained with numbers and test results."

Yancy gave a hard, mirthless laugh. "You telling me to hope for a miracle now, doc? Things are that fucked up?"

"That's not what I mean." 

"Then what the hell do you mean?"

Doctor Wright lowered his head, his lips tightening, shifting against each other a little. He looked wary when he finally met Yancy's gaze again. "I don't normally tell people this, but I need you to understand. I was involved in an experiment when I was in med school. Something went wrong, I was brain dead for over twelve minutes. The fact that I'm here talking to you right now is a near scientific impossibility. But I am, and love is the reason for that. Love didn't give up on me. The way you love your brother, Yancy... you can bring him back. I know you can."

Yancy closed his eyes for a moment, trying to take it all in, to shut out the pain-despair-loneliness of Raleigh's mind in the drift and think logically. "I just... don't wanna make things worse."

Doctor Wright nodded seriously. "Did he tell you anything else?"

"He still says he's hungry."

"Hm." The doctor frowned again, regarding Raleigh. "You sure there's no history of diabetes in your family?"

"None."

"I'll order some blood work anyway. We'll figure it out." 

Tendo moved to take Wright's place at the side of his bed as he left the room, catching Yancy's hand and giving it a squeeze. "You doing okay, Yance? I'm worried about you."

"I'll be fine when Raleigh is," Yancy replied, returning the squeeze. "Thanks for all of this, Tendo."

His friend smiled and gave a shrug. "Just wanna get my Becket boys shiny side up again. Can I bring you anything when you come back? Real food?"

"Anything from the kitchens would be amazing," Yancy replied, though he couldn't help but think back to Raleigh. 

_I'm exhausted and I'm always fucking hungry._

_I don't belong anywhere._

Yancy got out of bed again after Tendo left, curling up against his brother in the other bed. He nestled his face into the crook of his shoulder, sighing as he wrapping an arm over his chest. "Do you really want me to leave you alone, kiddo?" The thought, though, was heartbreaking, and he couldn't help but curl closer to Raleigh has he let exhaustion take him into sleep.

***

It was dark outside when a knock awakened Yancy from sleep, and he sat up, blinking in the bright light that streamed in from the hallway. He reached over to turn on the bedside lamp before turning back to the figure. "... Doctor Wright?"

"Sorry to wake you." The doctor shut the door behind him, glancing to Raleigh in the bed. "Do you usually sleep with him?"

"Not for the night. Sorry, guess I slept longer than I meant to." Yancy stood, pressing his palms to his eyes to try and shake off sleep. "Why aren't you at home?"

"Home is in Chicago," Wright remarked with a soft chuckle. "Pentecost brought me in just for this."

"Chicago?" Yancy realized, with a touch of embarrassment, that he knew very little about the man who'd been treating them. "What about your family?"

"I couldn't manage to sell my partner on a vacation in Alaska. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Raleigh's blood work. He's doing fine, there's no sign of malnutrition, his blood sugar and insulin levels are normal, and we're giving him more than enough calories for a man of his weight. If he feels hungry I think it's psychological in nature."

Yancy perched on the end of Raleigh's bed and tried to stifle a yawn. "Okay. And?"

"Mental cravings have to do with our bodies reward systems. People crave food because they want the release of dopamine, serotonin and so on, so I looked into the effects of antidepressants on coma patients. There was a case near the beginning of the century when a man who'd been in a coma for ten years woke up and spoke to his family after treatment with antidepressants."

Yancy felt his heart begin to race. "What's the catch?"

Doctor Wright paused. "He unfortunately died of pneumonia a few months later, so the treatment was never successfully verified. Still, with your permission I'd like to to start your brother on a low dose of Bupropion. It has the least side effects of any antidepressant, but you should be aware that it lowers the seizure threshold..."

"We'll try it," Yancy replied. At this point he was willing to try anything. He looked up at the doctor. "When can we drift again?"

At that, the doctor looked away. "I... think we should give that some time, Yancy. You've already been through a lot, you're putting your mind under a considerable amount of strain - "

"I can handle it. I'll be fine." He stood, catching the doctor's sleeve. "I need to be with him."

"You need to be well," Wright replied, voice soft but firm. "That's the best way for you to help him. Get some rest and we'll see how the medication fares, all right? I'll run another EEG on you in a couple weeks and we can try again."

The thought of being away from Raleigh ached worse than it ever had, but Yancy forced himself to nod. Still, when he finally found sleep again, alone in his own bed, all that he saw were memories of Raleigh, melancholy and alone.

***


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you want a soundtrack for this, here's a youtube playlist of pretty for the angsty!Beckets.  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXixgEldnvU&list=PLT6qCYB-MtIrluX6S5ZOtHFE_7EM4qRBK

**Yancy Becket**

For over a week he had to deal with tests, with nurses fussing, taking his vitals, with Doctor Wright's worried little frowns. Every day felt like he was getting farther and farther away from Raleigh.

"I'm fine, already," he said crossly after watching one of the nurses draw the third blood sample in as many days. The inside of his elbow was still bruised from the last. "Just left me drift."

Doctor Wright frowned, giving a short shake of his head. "We'll wait a little longer. You need to rest. We'll see how the Bupropion works. Maybe you won't need to drift again."

The doctor kept his voice was soft, and Yancy knew he was trying to be calming, but it made his heart pound faster instead. He couldn't explain the sense of urgency, how sitting and doing nothing felt wrong, felt _dangerous_. "You were the one who told me not to give up."

"And we're not. But you need some time, Mr. Becket. The neural load you were exposed to in the last drift -"

"Fuck the neural load. I survived piloting a Jaeger by myself, I can handle - "

"And that's why we need to wait." Doctor Wright placed a hand to his forearm, just below the cotton ball the nurse taped over the puncture on his arm. "Yancy, I can't chance you ending up like your brother. I'm sorry."

It was hard not to feel angry. Yancy forced himself to nod. "Alright. Just... soon. Please."

"Rest and get stronger and it will be." Doctor Wright gave his arm a reassuring squeeze, then left.

It wasn't the kind of orders he wanted, but there was nothing else to be done, so Yancy curled up on his bed and watched Raleigh's chest rise and fall as he fell asleep.

***

He awoke later in a fit of terror, breathing hard, and even after dropping into the chair between their beds and taking Raleigh's hand it wasn't something he could push away. He pressed his lips to the skin under the hospital bracelet on Raleigh's wrist and tried to calm his breathing. "You okay, kid? I'm still here. Sorry I haven't been to see you since we fought."

Yancy felt his pulse calm, but it didn't lessen the panic in the pit of his stomach. As much as he tried to tell himself that it was just the loss of the drift, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. He'd been away from Raleigh too long.

He leaned back in the chair, Raleigh's hand still held in his, and contemplated the cart in the corner of the room that held the bridging equipment on it. The sky was dark outside, the clock displaying a quarter past midnight. The nurses would leave them alone for the rest of the night unless there was an alert....

The thought of a few hours in the drift sent a thrill through him. How much time could he have with Raleigh with in hours when his previous attempts had been mere minutes?

Yancy placed his brother's hand back down on the bed, leaning over to press a kiss to his temple. "I'm gonna come see you, kid. Don't worry, I'm not going to ask anything from you. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. I'm just going to come and be with you, okay?" He let his forehead rest to Raleigh's for a moment, drawing a slow breath. "I know this has been really difficult for you. I'm sorry. You just do what you need to, love. I promise I'll be here. My place is by your side. Even if you don't know it."

It didn't take long to pull the cart into place. He pulled the privacy curtain in front of his bed just a little, just enough to hide the machine from anyone who might glance into the room casually. Then he went to work.

It wasn't difficult to attach the pons to his brother, then himself. He'd seen Tendo do it more times than he could count, seen it even more often in the Academy. With everything in place, he settled back into bed, reaching out to the equipment and taking a deep breath.

_Initiating Neural Bridge._

***

At first, all Yancy sees is gray. But he's used to this. It's not like the drift was before the accident, the open stream of thought and emotion, Raleigh's mind and memory as familiar to him as his own. But Raleigh's not aware of the drift, so all Yancy can do is eavesdrop, follow his brother down the rabbit hole until he finds the bleak prison his brother has made for himself. It's the complete opposite of what he's been trained to do in Gipsy: to keep his mind in the _now_ , to fight. Instead he forces himself to tune out _now_ , and surrenders himself to Raleigh's memory.

The wall. The half-constructed concrete edifice stretches as far as he can see. In places where it's finished it's taller than Gipsy ever was. The workers Raleigh's mind has created are silent as they go about their work, and it puts Yancy in mind of a tomb.

He finds his brother leaving a shack near the base of the wall, clocking in, as silent as the rest.

"Raleigh Becket?"

His brother turns. "Who wants to know?"

Yancy swallows hard and steps forward. The world isn't any different than the last time he left it - harsh and gray and unwelcoming. But it had been easy to find Raleigh, and that's what's important. "I'm your new shadow. They said you'd get extra rations for it. And we're tent mates.

Raleigh regards him for a long moment with a weariness in his eyes that appears to go bone deep. For a moment Yancy's certain this won't work, that Raleigh's seen right through him. Then Raleigh nods, and turns, starting back towards the wall. "Okay, kid. Gotta keep up, though. And I don't like talking."

It's strange to hear Raleigh call him kid, but he doesn't care. Raleigh hasn't pushed him away. He can stay.

For days he shadows Raleigh, each morning ascending past the levels of the Wall of Life in the rickety construction elevator, past dusty concrete and rusty support beams. He follows him out onto the girders that stretch across the expanses of unbuilt wall, the other workers ants at their feet. When he looks out towards the ocean all he can see is mist, a gray nothingness that swallows the water and hides the sunset day after day. He wonders if Raleigh has noticed that the weather never changes, that the day is never brighter than this dull gray.

Raleigh doesn't speak to him except to give him directions, and Yancy doesn't try to engage him. But slowly the sharp edge of loneliness in his mind begins to dull, and something seeps in to take its place that is, if not happiness, at least some kind of contentment.

It seems like weeks pass. Yancy can't manage recall the exact number of days, no matter how hard he's tried to keep track. The news broadcasts that play in the canteen over their tasteless meals don't give dates or even days of the week, just never-ending tales of more deaths. More Kaiju, more fallen Jaeger. More cities poisoned with Kaiju blue.

Then, one night as they lay on cots on opposite sides of their little army tent, he hears Raleigh's voice across the darkness. "You got a name, kid?"

Yancy pauses, not daring to tell the truth. "English."

Raleigh's silent for a long moment, long enough that Yancy begins to fear he's said the wrong thing. Then: "English."

"My parents thought it was edgy."

From the other side of the tent he hears a soft snort that could almost, almost have been a laugh. Then Raleigh turns over. "... Goodnight, English."

***

Yancy loses track of the days before Raleigh speaks to him again. He watches his brother grab his ration tray at the canteen, some kind of mashed potato goop with fried chunks of meat from a can. Then Raleigh taps his shoulder and jerks his head towards the outside. Yancy follows, heart pounding, picking carefully after his brother as makes his way through a gap in the wall. Raleigh finally perches on a crumbled chunk of concrete, looking out at the sea, patting the stone next to him silently.

Yancy's surprised to find that the mist over the ocean has lifted, enough that he can see the half-moon reflected in the waves, and a handful of stars on the horizon. "It's really nice out here."

"Yeah..." Raleigh is silent for a long moment, tray balanced on his knees as he looks out across the water. He swallows a bite of food, then turns back to him. "What's your story, kid? No one wants to work the wall. Where's your family at?"

Yancy pauses. He'd had a background story thought up, but for some reason can't remember. Instead he tells the truth. "Mom died after the Kaiju came, Dad left after that. My younger brother... disappeared in an attack a while back. He's been missing ever since. I guess I just came here to forget."

Raleigh makes a soft hum under his breath, setting his spoon back down on the now empty tray. "You and me both, I guess." He shifts on the rock, turning towards him. "Thanks for not prying. I appreciate it. Didn't think it would be this comfortable having you around, English."

***

"You know," Raleigh says one day as they're leaving the wall, "You'd probably make better rations if you stopped pretending you still needed to learn from me and went out on your own."

Yancy turns to him quickly, expecting the worse. "Do you want me to?"

Raleigh is silent for a moment, regarding him. Then he tilts his head slightly, and something that might possibly be the beginning of a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "No. I like you here."

***

They eat dinner on the edge of the wall again, watching the moon on the sea. At some point Raleigh throws an arm over his shoulder, casual and familiar. It brings back a rush of memory from _before_ , and before Yancy can stop himself he's turned to press his lips to Raleigh's: brief, sweet and warm.

Raleigh sighs softly, but he doesn't pull his arm from around his shoulders. "Give me a bit more time," he says quietly. "I'm... pretty broken."

"Me too," Yancy replies, and in the darkness Raleigh smiles.

"I know. That's why I like you."

***

"Sometimes it feels like I've known you forever," Raleigh says one night after they've turned out the lamp. Their cots both sit in the middle of the tent, now, close enough that he can let one hand hang off the bed so that Raleigh can, if he chooses, reach out to lace their fingers together. Tonight he has, and Yancy strokes his brother's hand with the pad of his thumb.

"Yeah. It's comfortable," he says in reply, and squeezes Raleigh's hand. "Things feel easier when I'm with you."

For a long moment Raleigh doesn't answer. Then he returns the squeeze, fingers curling around Yancy's. "Didn't think anyone could ever really understand," he says quietly. "People say they do, but they don't. They can't know unless they've felt it. It's not like I want to be miserable, I just don't know how...." he stops, and Yancy has to bite his tongue to keep from urging him on. Instead he strokes his thumb over the top of Raleigh's and waits.

"I even tried going to see a shrink for a while. Thought it could help. But then he disappeared, too." He gives a soft, heartbroken sigh. "Started thinking maybe I was just a lost cause."

"You're not - " Yancy says before he can stop himself, in a rush of sorrow and guilt. He'd disappeared, he'd left Raleigh alone thinking no-one cared. He couldn't let that happen again.

"I know," Raleigh interrupts before he can continue, squeezing his hand again. "I know now."

***

They sit side by side high on a girder, and munch bologna sandwiches wrapped in wax paper. Every once and awhile the sun peeks past the ever-present blanket of gray. Even though it's shitty bologna, the sandwich is slightly more flavourful than the glop they're served for supper, and Yancy enjoys it more than he should.

"Do you think about him a lot?"

Raleigh's question catches him off-guard, but he turns, knowing immediately what he's asking about. "My brother?"

"Yeah."

"Every day," Yancy replies, because it's the truth. "I know he'd want me to be happy, and I wish I could be. But I think... maybe someday I can be content with what I have."

Raleigh nods slowly, silently. Yancy isn't surprised when his hand slips into his, fingers twining together.

***

He also isn't surprised when Raleigh slips into his cot in the darkness that night, fitting himself against his body in the narrow space and claiming his mouth with a trembling kiss. They've shared smaller spaces before. Desire surges so strongly that for a moment all Yancy wants to do is crush Raleigh against him, devour his mouth with kisses and make him feel everything that he's been missing. It takes every ounce of self control to refrain.

Instead he forces himself to slow, enfolding Raleigh in his arms and tugging him close, trading slow, sweet kisses as he threads his fingers into Raleigh's hair.

"Am I dishonoring his memory?" Raleigh's question is barely more than a breath against his mouth, and Yancy kisses it away.

"I don't know," he murmurs in reply. "But I don't feel so alone when I'm with you. I think my brother would want that."

He feels Raleigh shudder in his arms, even as he arches closer. Then he lifts his face to claim another kiss, warmer and more demanding, hands moving from Yancy's shoulders to tangle in the soft cotton of his shirt at his sides. Yancy lets himself go, just a little, lips parting to his kisses to taste the warmth and familiarity of Raleigh's mouth, fingers pressing into the small of Raleigh's back to encourage him closer. He's rewarded with a soft moan, and Raleigh shifts against him to press a thigh between his, cock already half hard against his hip. It's a strange mix of remembered experience and new sensation, and Yancy can't quite figure out if what he's seeing - he and Raleigh curled together before, sharing desperate kisses after training, making love after a battle - are his own memories or Raleigh's projections.

It doesn't matter, he tells himself as Raleigh's lips find his throat, nipping at the skin as he licks a stripe up to his ear. Raleigh's here.

"I hardly know you," Raleigh breathes, and his fingers dig into Yancy's shoulder so hard that it aches. "But you feel so familiar. I need that. Please...."

"Anything you need," Yancy promises, and claims his mouth again.

***

After the first time Raleigh comes to him it becomes easier to accept things the way they are. It's no longer a question of what to do next or how to rouse him. He can accept the warmth of Raleigh's presence and just be.

He can feel the same acceptance in Raleigh, too. They still work primarily in silence, but sometimes he'll catch Raleigh's eye and give him a quiet smile, and he's rewarded with one in return.

Even more occasionally Raleigh will catch his eye as they get their supper, then lead him out beyond the wall to overlook the sea. They'll find somewhere different to sit every time. Sometimes, after they've eaten, Raleigh will lean close and nestle his face against Yancy's hair, sliding one arm around his waist, his fingers stroking slow circles over Yancy's ribs. He'll cuddle until Yancy presses closer, turning to rest his forehead to his brother's, one hand cupping his cheek and sliding up into his hair. Sometimes it makes Yancy think of life before the accident, but he's gotten better at pushing those memories away. Instead he just closes his eyes in the darkness, sharing his brother's breath, stroking the pad of his thumb over his cheek, which is always clean shaven even though he's never seen Raleigh shave. Sometimes he drags his thumb slowly along the edges of Raleigh's lips, caressing until they part, until Raleigh noses away his hand to claim his mouth instead, kisses slow and deep and warm.

Sometimes Raleigh curls up on the ground instead, leaning back against Yancy's knees, relaxing slowly as Yancy cards his fingers through his hair.

***

"It's been four years," Raleigh says one day after a morning of silence, of being more distant than normal. It takes Yancy a moment to understand what he means. 

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "Would you like some time?"

His answer is a hand that darts out to catch hold of his wrist, squeezing a little too tight. "Please stay."

The strength of the reaction surprises him, and Yancy smiles, covering his hand and returning the squeeze. "Hey, it's okay, kid. Of course I'll stay."

That's when something buzzes at the back of Yancy's mind, and he turns his attention towards it. Voices, faint but growing louder. Words he can just barely make out. _'Get the doctor in here!'_

Suddenly everything comes back in a rush. This is Raleigh's mind, not reality. They're drifting. Raleigh is.... a shiver of panic runs through him, and he speaks before he can stop himself. "Raleigh!"

Raleigh's head jerks up, and he stares at him, as if feeling the same panic. "What's wrong?"

For a moment Yancy doesn't know how to respond, how to explain that every moment Raleigh can remember of their time together is a lie that's about to be ripped away from them. He stares at his brother, panicked, unable to think. "I.... I have to go."

"Go?" Raleigh flinches at the word, expression somewhere between hurt and disbelief. "Now?"

"Just for a few minutes, I'm so sorry. I'll be back as soon as I can." Yancy moves to take Raleigh's hand in both of his. Outside, the voices get louder. _'Yancy? Shit! How the hell do we bring him out?'_

Raleigh just looks more hurt. "I - I don't understand. Where are you going - why are you leaving?"

 _'Get Choi on the line, now! Come on, Yancy. Don't check out on me.'_ Wright's voice. Yelling. A loud beeping that's getting faster. Yancy tries to block it out.

"I don't have a choice," he tells Raleigh, heart aching. "Please believe me, I'm so sorry. But I'll come back, I swear I will. As soon as I can. Wait for me."

Raleigh's shaking his head, tears in his eyes. "Don't go. Please don't go. I need you."

"I need you too." He doesn't need the contagion of Raleigh's emotions; his own heart is breaking. Will Raleigh even let him back, if he leaves? "I need you so bad. You'll always have me, kid, I promise. I love you." He's losing focus on the rabbit of Raleigh's mind, so much that he can't see anything but Raleigh's face. He tries to hold his hand tighter, to cling to the sensation of _Raleigh_ instead of the hospital room, but he can hear Doctor Wright's voice almost as clear as day now. _"Come on back, Yancy. Disengaging in ten...."_

"You're the best part of me," he tries to tell Raleigh, praying that he hears. "I'll always come back to you. I'll always be by your side. I swear to you."

_"Four, three...."_

Raleigh's eyes widen. 

_"Yancy!"_

***

"Heart rate at 85 bpm and stabilizing. BP 115 over 80."

"Good. Keep monitoring him." It sounded like Doctor Wright was right over top of him, and Yancy felt him removing the pons from his head. Being back in the hospital room was disorienting, and Yancy struggled to connect to reality, to open his eyes and speak.

"Yancy? Tell me you're with us. I know you can hear me, come on."

Yancy saw a streak of bright light, and then everything started coming back together. The cold overhead halogen lights of the hospital, Doctor Wright beside him with a penlight in hand. He felt a surge of panic and tried to speak, his voice rough. "Ral... please... need to.... have to go back!"

"You need to take a deep breath and calm down. Then I'm sending you for an MRI to make sure you didn't fry your damn brain." Doctor Wright was frowning, but he sounded more frightened than angry. He handed Yancy a glass of water from beside the bed as one of the nurses wheeled the cart with the bridging equipment back into the corner of the room. "I don't suppose you want to tell me what the hell you thought you were doing?"

The water cleared his throat a bit, but did nothing for his panic. "I needed to connect - I did connect with him. I have to go back - "

"You can't go back until I make sure you're not going to kill yourself - "

"You don't understand, he's waiting for me - "

"And he'll be waiting a lot longer if you're dead, Yancy - "

"I have to go back!"

Then, from the other bed, a sharp inhalation of breath.

Yancy was on his feet before the doctor could stop him, half stumbling as he pushed past to go to Raleigh's side. "Raleigh?!"

His brother's eyelids fluttered, struggling, then finally opened, eyes rolling back for a moment as he fought to focus. Then his gaze fixed on Yancy, lips moving around gasped breath, finally managing to form a whisper. " _.... Yancy._ "

"Oh god. I'm here. I'm right here, love." Yancy took one hand in both of his, holding tight and trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. "Told you I'd come back, didn't I?"

Raleigh seemed to relax, and for the first time since the accident Yancy began to feel it: the gentle, easy connection they always felt whenever they were near, the remnants of the drift. Raleigh felt tired, but peaceful, content. Happy. He felt real.

Yancy raised Raleigh's hand to his mouth to place a kiss to the back, trying not to let himself get overwhelmed with emotion. The rational part of him knew that this would still take time. But Raleigh was here with him now. They could fight this together. "You got hurt real bad in Gipsy, but you're gonna be okay, kid. I'll be here. I'll always be here."

Raleigh didn't reply. But as his eyes fluttered closed again, his hand tightened on Yancy's ever so slightly, and the corners of his mouth widened into the hint of a smile.

~~ Finish ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished~ thanks for sticking with me! I really, REALLY appreciate all the encouragement and comments, especially since I don't normally write this kind of thing, let alone in a brand new fandom.  
> You guys are so friendly and awesome! <3


	6. Epilogue (Explicit)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yancy knows Raleigh is truly getting better when he starts makng plans for their love life.
> 
> I promised (threatened?) epilogue sex, so here you go. Warnings for incest, handjobs, blowjobs, fingering dirty talk, and two hot blond brothers getting it on. :p

"How are you feeling, Raleigh?"

It was strange, Yancy thought, not having Doctor Wright around. He sat perched on the edge of hospital room's second bed - technically not his since his discharge, though he still slept in it almost every night - and watched the monitor on the cart at the foot of Raleigh's bed. When Raleigh's condition had stabilized, Pentecost had grudgingly allowed the neurologist a week off to go home to Chicago, provided he continue consulting via skype from his home office once Raleigh was consistently awake long enough to do so.

Yancy was content to sit back and watch the two talk. Raleigh's recovery had been slow but consistent, and while he hadn't been given the green light to do anything more strenuous than let Yancy help him to the bathroom, he was awake now almost as much as he was asleep, and talking as freely as he had before. Perhaps a little too much.

"Yancy did tell you everything that happened, didn't he?" Doctor Wright asked once he was finished his verbal examination, leaning towards the camera a little. "Is there anything you have questions about?"

"I think I'm okay. Yancy filled me in on what I missed," Raleigh replied. Then he sat up and leaned forward as well, giving the panel a smile that Yancy was all too familiar with. "He didn't tell me how good looking my doctor is, though."

Doctor Wright, to his credit, wasn't thrown off guard, though his brows arched high behind wire-rimmed glasses. After a moment he continued as if Raleigh hadn't just hit on him. "Return of sexual appetite. Also a good sign. While I can't clear you for sexual intercourse, you are welcome to pursue solo activities with care if you feel up to it."

Yancy felt a soft pulse of desire at the thought, though he wasn't sure if it came from Raleigh or himself. "I'll make sure he behaves himself."

"I'm sure you will," the doctor replied, glancing to Yancy with a smirk. "I'll check in tomorrow. Get some rest, boys."

Raleigh glanced to Yancy as he shut down the video conference system. "Does he know?"

"I'm... not sure," Yancy replied. "He's said a few things that made me think he might, but I didn't confirm anything. You going to take a nap? Tendo said the kitchen's making chicken pot pies, he's going to bring two by for us later."

"Perfect. You going to nap with me?" Raleigh's eyebrows quirked, his smile widening slightly.

Yancy chuckled, glancing to the closed door to their room before leaning in to cup his brother's cheek with one hand, giving him a warm, yearning kiss. "Not now."

"But - "

"Later. Too much traffic during the day. We'll get caught." He brushed Raleigh's bottom lip with his thumb as he pulled back. "Later. Tonight. I promise."

It seemed to satisfy Raleigh, who curled up obediently and fell back asleep.

***

"You going to come to bed, Yance?"

Yancy glanced up from his book to where his brother was curled in bed, smile lazy from sleep. Tendo had stopped by in the evening with the promised pies and some video footage from the PPDC's most recent victory in Vietnam. The Kaiju had been huge, but had been a very effective take-down from the three Jaeger strikeforce that had gone in. After the disaster that Raleigh's mind had created in his coma Yancy had thought, and Tendo had agreed, that it would be good for him to see a victory or two. And if that victory included Striker Eureka's very sexy father-son team, well, all the better.

Raleigh had fallen asleep again after that, but Yancy was well used to keeping vigil by now. He placed a bookmark in the battered paperback Tendo had brought him and set it aside, stretching out his legs in the chair and glancing over at his brother. "You sure you're feeling up to it?"

Raleigh's eyes darkened. "Would I be gagging for it if I wasn't?"

"You're not going to be gagging for anything," Yancy replied, though he stood as he did, dragging the chair over to the door and wedging it under the door handle, just in case. They were in a secure wing of the hospital, and the nurses didn't come in after midnight unless there was an alert, but this was definitely not something he wanted to chance. "You're still sick."

"I'm better enough to blow you. Come on, Yancy...."

Yancy drew both the privacy curtain in front of his own bed, and the one between the beds before finally moving to perch on the side of Raleigh's. 

"You sure you're up to this?" he asked, reaching out to cup the side of Raleigh's face with a hand, stroking gently. "I'm fine if you are."

Instead of answering him directly, Raleigh tugged his hand from his face and pulled it down to press against his cock, arching up slightly against Yancy's palm. He was already half hard, and Yancy curled his fingers around him before he could stop himself, stroking him slowly and watching Raleigh's eyes fall half closed in pleasure. "God, Yance... haven't been celibate for this long ever before in my _life_."

"I seem to remember some pretty steamy times when we were drifting."

"You know that's not the same." Raleigh rolled his hips up into the stimulation, catching his bottom lip between his teeth teasingly and looking up at Yancy through his eyelashes. "Come on, big brother. Don't I look super sexy in this hospital gown?"

Yancy couldn't help but laugh, leaning down to cover Raleigh's mouth with his own. "Mmm... much better out of it. Sit up."

It was hard to focus on getting the gown off with his arms full of a warm, very willing Raleigh, sucking and nipping on his lips as he tried to pull Yancy's t-shirt off over his head. He finally managed, tossing the gown over the hospital bed table, followed by Raleigh's boxers as he wiggled out of them. Then he pressed his brother back down into the bed, hardly breaking from his lips, half-blanketing his body with his own.

What he had with Raleigh wasn't any kind of grand romance, Yancy reflected as he let his tongue flick against Raleigh's lips, dipping inside to the sweetness of his mouth as they parted. There'd been no pining, no onslaught of guilt or questioning as to whether or not this was morally "right" - what was there to discuss, when they'd shared a mind? Rather, the progression of their relationship from an emotionally intimate one to sexually intimate seemed the logical conclusion to everything they'd experienced together since K-Day. The only thing Yancy ever worried about was the effect it would have on Raleigh if the public-at-large found out what went on behind closed doors. So Yancy was careful, and made sure that the only people that got close enough to them to find out the truth were the ones who really deserved it.

"You look so much better out of that gown," he murmured, his hand slowly moving over Raleigh's chest. His fingers lingered briefly over the bright pink scars from Raleigh's most recent operations, and the freshly healed burns streaking across his ribs from the circuit suit malfunction, then moved on, trying not to dwell. It still frightened him, how close he'd come to losing his partner, and he pulled Raleigh against him, taking security in the warmth and strength of his brother's body against his own.

Raleigh hooked a thigh over his hip to pull him closer, toes digging into his jeans. "I know I do. Why the fuck do you still have pants on?" His smile was soft despite the teasing words, and his fingers slid up into Yancy's hair as he pulled him in for another slow kiss. His free hand moved to tug at Yancy's belt, pulling his pants undone and helping his brother kick them off. He groaned as Yancy stretched out against him again. "Oh god, finally...."

Yancy gave a low hum against his lips, tongue questing, tasting the familiar heat of his brother's mouth. He dragged one hand down Raleigh's back and over his side, savoring the expanse of his brother's bare skin, then stroking over his ass to urge Raleigh's thigh back over his hip. He loved the heat of Raleigh's cock against his hip as he pressed a thigh between his, feeling Raleigh's pleasure almost as acutely as his own as his hips stuttered up against him.

He kissed a warm path along Raleigh's jaw, fingers stroking and kneading at his ass, encouraging the grind of his hips. "Love you so much, kid."

The words were unnecessary, he knew. Even though they hadn't drifted in a month - not since Raleigh's condition finally started to improve - remnants of the connection still remained that they didn't need technology to feel. With Raleigh in his arms he could feel his brother's emotions as acutely as his own, and he knew without even trying that he was the central point in Raleigh's world, just as Raleigh was in his. But it felt good to say it, to feel the soft shiver of happiness that Raleigh felt when he did.

"Always, Yance," he breathed, tilting his head back to his kisses, heel digging into the back of Yancy's thigh as he ground his hips up against him. "Jesus, I wish we could fuck."

Yancy chuckled, shifting enough to slip a hand between them, curling his fingers around both their cocks. He leaned in for another slow kiss as Raleigh's hand joined his, falling into a well-practiced rhythm of touch. "Mmm... soon. Gonna ride your cock and then fuck you five ways to Saturday."

Raleigh whimpered against his mouth, hips bucking up into their touch, the underside of his cock sliding against Yancy's. "Can't we do that now? You'd be doing all the work...."

Yancy ran his index finger over the head of Raleigh's cock on the next upstroke, stroking slick through the pearl of precum and briefly pressing into the slit just to make his brother gasp. "Not yet. Doctor's orders."

"Mmmm.... doctor's orders...." Raleigh's voice deepened as he arched against him. "He can order me around any time."

Yancy chuckled against his mouth, thrusting against him just a little, enjoying the build of pleasure from Raleigh's touch and the slide of his cock against his own. "You're such a horndog."

"I can't help it if I... oh god, there... have a weakness for a bit of salt and pepper....."

"You have a weakness for anything with two legs," Yancy replied, dropping his face to suck at the crook of Raleigh's neck and urging him to stroke a little faster.

"And you don't?" Raleigh choked back a helpless whine as Yancy's teeth found purchase on his trapezius muscle. His free hand curled in his hair, tugging him down. "Oh god, Yancy, please...."

"Pushy," Yancy mock-grumbled, happily kissing a path down his brother's chest. He nuzzled the curls at the base of his brother's cock before mouthing at the base, enjoying the scent of his brother's arousal despite the overlay of cheap hospital soap. Raleigh had become far more open about his desires since they'd started fucking, maybe because those desires now included Yancy. He licked a stripe up the underside of his cock. "And what would you do with the good doctor, if he were available?"

"Mmmm...." Raleigh arched up into his mouth a little as Yancy's lips parted over the head of his cock. "Well... I can't have sex yet, so... I'd make him go down on his knees for you... then I'd watch while you fucked that pretty ass into the other bed... oh god, Yance, I'm so close - !"

Yancy curled a hand around the base of his cock, stroking as he drew on him harder, humming encouragingly, and for a few moments he forgot about everything Raleigh had said - everything except his brother's gasps of pleasure and the weight of his cock against his mouth, the way he bucked tense underneath him and whimpered as he came down Yancy's throat.

The feedback from his brother's orgasm through the remnants of the drift was heady, and part of him desperately wanted to just jerk off and come. But he let Raleigh pull him back up into a kiss, catching both Yancy's hands in his and pinning them to the bed as he licked into his mouth as if to taste the remnants of his passion. He nipped at Yancy's bottom lip as he smoothed a hand down to curl around his cock, stroking him slowly. "Would you like that? Fucking him for me?"

Yancy groaned, rocking up into his touch, trying to take his thoughts off his dick long enough to answer the question. When his brother's life had hung in the balance he hadn't stopped to think about sex with anyone, let alone the doctor who was trying to save Raleigh's life. But now he could definitely see where Raleigh's interest came from. "Yeah. I'd fuck him real good for you, Rals."

"Good." Raleigh's fingers replaced his lips as he started to kiss down his chest. "Suck."

Yancy opened his lips around his brother's index and pointer finger obediently, sucking wetly on the digits, lathing them with his tongue. He groaned as Raleigh teeth grazed his nipple and tried to speak. "Mmm... don't have to...."

Raleigh just snorted against his abs, then dropped his head to take Yancy's cock in his mouth.

Yancy's toes dug into the bed as his fingers tangled tight in his brother's hair, and he tried not to pull it as he watched Raleigh's lips slide almost completely down his shaft. He groaned as Raleigh's fingers left his mouth. "Oh fuck, kid, you look so good like that...."

Raleigh gave a very satisfied sounding hum around his dick, nudging his thigh with one elbow until Yancy pulled it up almost to his chest. He choked back a cry as Raleigh's spit-slick fingers moved to tease his ass, one working carefully inside. "Fuck, Rals, gonna make me come so hard - "

Raleigh's hum resonated around his cock, low and encouraging as he crooked a finger inside him, teasing and rubbing up against his sweet spot with perfect accuracy. Yancy yelped, hands tightening in his brother's hair as he bucked up into the heat of his mouth and came, pleasure overwhelming every nerve in his body.

He was vaguely aware of Raleigh's satisfied hum as he pulled away, licking his cock clean and pressing a kiss to the tip as he eased his fingers away as well. Then he curled up against Yancy's side, laying half over him and nestling his face into the crook of his neck.

For a long moment Yancy just enjoyed the silence and the resonating thrum of happiness from his brother as he held him close, fingers stroking slowly up and down Raleigh's spine. He wordlessly sent him a warm wave of love and devotion, and Raleigh gave a soft, happy sigh in response, arms tightening around him.

After a time he began to wonder if Raleigh was falling asleep, and started contemplating trying to get him dressed before he was too tired to do so. He really shouldn't stay here naked with him....

Then Raleigh stirred, pressing a kiss to his collar bone. "So... we're totally gonna fuck Doctor Wright, right? Give him a proper thank you and all that?"

Yancy chuckled, kissing his hair. More than anything, he was just happy to have Raleigh back in his arms. What harm could it to do indulge him?

"Sure, kid. Anything you want."

~~~


End file.
